Today I spoke with a friend from my hometown in Michigan. She called to tell me "things" have happened recently and she will not be able to meet me for a specific event I had been planning during my trip home. She said it was not because she didn't want to see me but that she didn't want spoil the good time, for one of our mutual friend (to the best of my knowledge her best friend) has now made it her prerogative to ruin her life.
After hearing this, my natural response was to avoid the tiff; these two have been on again off again ‘besties’ for a decade. Their fights never lasted too long and the end was usually after I pointed out how immature they were being. This was different though. This was not just a fight. This was a plot to deeply wound Mary's (not her real name) self esteem.
I too was a victim of bullying; in high school my soccer team was anything but encouraging. They didn't like my 'anything goes attitude'. I was close to my coach, who was a young attractive guy. And they began to allow jealousy to control their actions. Rumors were spread that were so hurtful and harmful to my reputation that I had no choice but to fight back. After a full freshman year of fighting I told my mom, who said, "The best thing to do is nothing at all". I followed her advice and the rumors got worse. I stopped hanging out with anyone at school, aside from my amazing best friend, and created a life in the next town. I learned so many things through out that experience, the first being that I could make friends anywhere. That I was truly a likable person and that was why I was a target. I also found that I could run from my problems all I wanted, yet those who want to chase you, will. After high school their torment subsided slightly. I had just been dumped by "the love of my life" and the thoughts of suicide kept me in bed for weeks. My family heard me say things like "I just don't want to wake up anymore" and "It hurts so bad, when will it end?" The pain in my mothers eyes still stings, she did what she could encouraging me to talk to my best friend, but even she was sick of my problems and hadn't answered my call in days. While my immediate family rallied around me my extended family picked another bitter feud with my parents. Every aspect of my life seemed to be crumbling, the walls that I once found comfort in began to close around me, and the friends that I relied on joined the lynching mob that was seemingly always at my door. I was alone. I was a mess. I was disgusted with myself. My primary care doctor was concerned with my health; I dropped twenty pounds and was so drained from crying that my emotions seemed numb. He suggested I talk to a councilor and take medication, but the med's had done nothing and the talking made me less sad and more angry. The man being paid to listen to my life story agreed, I had a lot on my plate and I deserve to be angry. He irritated me for being so understanding, I began to dread going to him; talking about my problems eventually became a strenuous chore and I deiced I wouldn't do it any more.
Three weeks after my initial visit I told him I didn't need him anymore. I signed a few papers, paid my last bill and to my surprise I took a deep breath of relief. Closing the door behind me was empowering. For the first time in months I made a decision and acted on it. No doctor ordered it, no mother held my hand, and no sister stuck up for me. I did it, alone. It later dawned on me that something he said during our last session had such an impact that it woke me from my coma. He said that, "I deserve to be angry. But now I have a choice. I can be bitter or I can be better. It just comes down to the 'i'. "
I realized I didn't need my boyfriend, and even though the wound hadn't healed I can put a Band-Aid over it. My family loved me unconditionally, for they too went through my depression and never turned their back. Those who were out to get me got me. Now it's my job to make sure it never happens again. This was the biggest lesson. Some people need to belittle others to make themselves feel big, yet their insecurities are life long and crippling. I am lucky. I am not like that. I am better that that. As I began to put the pieces of my life back together, I grew strong. I stopped reacting to their cruel words, and started to live my life despite them, not in spite of them. My best friend and I made amends and I saw that my depression had effected her greatly too; she needed to take a step back in order to maintain control.
It took a while but I was back on my feet and smiling again. When I least expected it, on a family vacation in Mexico, I met my soul mate. He was visiting from New York, we exchanged emails and after months of phone calls and emails, I made my first trip to see him. The rest is history.
Listening to my friend "Mary" talk about her situation brought back emotions that I had long ago suppressed. She admitted she felt like she only had two choices, to leave the town or to end her life. She admitted she didn't think she had it in her to do the latter but she felt cornered. She was receiving threatening phone calls. She had to take a Personal Protection Order out against her ex-boyfriend because he threatened to kill her. Every new friend she made joined forces with the "other side". Leaving her house was like sounding the tornado siren in a small town, for her every move was monitored. I felt her pain, but couldn't help but pity those who are so small minded that they don't see that the destruction of someone's life is not high school drama. It is a living and breathing human being that feels the pain of rumors, and that feels he or she has no one to turn to. Being lonely is the worst hurt of all.
In the end everyone is to blame. Each person involved made mistakes that allowed the feud to spiral, however not seeing the damage done and wishing death on someone is unforgivable. Those people will always have someone to hate, and their targets will always be pretty, fun, and likable people. True character shows in situations of hardship, and true friends are those who walk in when the world walks out.
I did some research on bullying and was disappointed to see that after elementary school the help seems to stop. I don't know if this is because they don't think it happens after we mature past puberty or if it is because they refer to it as ‘high school drama’, or ‘office victimization’. Either way, it is prevalent at every age and often time we are not equipped to go it alone. If you or anyone you know is feeling victimized or bullied please seek help from a professional. Talk to whoever will listen, and know that you are not alone.
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